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Friday, January 21, 2005

Intelligence.

So, last night, I'm sitting and enjoing a little caffeine with Buzz and Intelligence comes along. Cute girl, by the way. So, seeing her I asked how she was (naturally) and she says:

"(smooches) ..Long time no see! I'm brilliant, thanks for asking. You know, since you have a Masters Degree from a Fully Accredited University, I can let you in on this secret n' shit. That girl over there at that table..she's a Fraud, a Poser n' shit. Yesterday I was talking to her and she said that she spoke like six languages and she had been researching stem cell and dna screening processes for Down's Syndrome since she was like eighteen n' shit. She's only 21. There's no way that this is possible, so of course I light up a conversation in French and she answers with this canned French response that everyone who doesn't even know French knows n' shit. And anyways, if she comes up and tries to talk to you.. I just want you to know that she's a Poser and a Fraud n' shit because I know 5 languages and there's no way she knows 6 and not only that, but I teach at a University and stem cell research and genetic screenings aren't something little surfer goddesses do in High School"

Of course, with this, Buzz starts wanting to play with the cutie pie that was dropping 3 syllable words on us like Iverson drops dimes while using words like "shit" in a way that I had never even conceived.

So, Buzz sees this young man studying to be a priest over in the corner, spreading the word of the Lord to anyone who will listen, which, at that point, was no one in the place. I guess coffee and Jesus don't really mix well. But I digress. Anyways, Buzz walks up and invites Father Addison over and Intelligence lights into the young guy. I guess he didn't have the answers she was looking for, so she facetiously quizzed him on the Beginnings of Man, Sex, and the true nature of Condoms. Oil and Water. Sex and Abstinence. Cash and Newbies.

To cut to the chase, Intelligence decides to do some empirical research and invites this other guy at a table nearby, Mr. S Worshipper over to join in. Apparently, Mr. S Worshipper was fresh from a battle with Good, having been approached earlier in the night at this little coffee shop by the Young Father Addison. Intelligence picks this little factoid up right away, of course, and schemed a Master Plan.

Intelligence looks at me and says, "Watch this. I'm gonna make these two battle and then I'll know One More Thing - which is always Important. This is fascinating, the whole Good vs Evil schtick and what do you think will happen? My thesis is that these two will bash each other bloody and it'll be fun to watch. I can support this thought, of course, with several arguments, which I will define after the experiment. And I won't bore you with the independent and dependent variable details or instrumentation and calibration - let's just hook these two up and see what happens"

So, Bam. Two worlds collide and Intelligence was there to learn all about it. But, a strange thing happened. Highly unlikely, indeed.

Mr. S Worshipper took the expected First Swing with "So Father Little-Boy Lover, what's up with you? You taking a break from Beating Bibles? You're such a Loser. God doesn't exist. I will gut you and your God like a pig. Then, I'll see you in Hell and kick your ass again and again and again."

Young Father Addison looked Mr. SatanWorshipper in the eyes and did the Unthinkable as the two squared off. He reached deeply into his pocket and pulled out The Improbable.

Father Addison looked over at Mr. S Worshipper, and being less experienced in such Knowledge of How To Argue Effectively, simply says: "You know, Mr. Worshipper, I'd like to apologize. It was wrong of me to try and influence you to see things My Way the last time we talked. It would be wrong of me to try, now. I prayed on this and asked God to give me the strength to help you see the Right Way after our last talk. But, instead, God said that I should let you see things your own way and respect that. So, I'm sorry and I hope you forgive me."

Bam. Game Over.

This of course, silenced the many that were whispering and theorizing on the expected outcome of the exchange and, sadly, delighting in the mere thought that one or the other may get completely crushed and demoralized by the other.

Mr. S Worshipper, somewhat stunned by the turn of events, quickly recovered and relied on the one skill that was familiar to him. He got Angry and Mad and together, they quickly replied with a "Whatever Dorkboy, I'll eat your soul and shit out whatever's left and flush it and you're a Dumbass and I Hate You."

But, by now, the crowd wasn't so eager to see the Preacher Man get preached to. In fact, they quickly dissipated, grabbing their lattes to go, and disappeared into the evening outside to continue on with their real lives.

Mr. S Worshipper left, too, with the audience gone. Father Addison returned to his corner and contemplated the exchange and how he could work that into his next Gospel on Tape that he was recording for all the Young and Uninspired He Would Save.

And that left Intelligence, and me and Buzz. Well, actually, Buzz kinda left the table as the banter was heating up and things were heading for The Worst.

So, Intelligence looks at me and says: "Wow, that went nothing like I thought. I'll need to revise my Thesis"

We smiled. She picked up her mocha breve and dashed out the door to record the data that she had collected. I'd imagine we'll see it published, soon, in the Journal she edits called "Lost Souls".


1 comment:

Dr. H said...

Intelligence says hi. ;)