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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Independence Day

"It will be different
Here, this year," 
He softly said.
"There will still be Fireworks -
but they will be seen
by four fewer eyes -
And, this year we
won't see their Smiles
Bursting and Flaring
Late into the Night.

No, They'll be
Far Away,
Her Independence 
Day decision
in SomeOne
Else's Skies."

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

14 Drafts

He's written 14 Drafts of
Things He'd Want to Say But for
The Words
Won't find
Their Way

To line up
In a Row
And begin
To form
A Flow

So, He
Moves on

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Morning Daydream

There was a Moment most Mornings
Where He would wake
In a Hazy Glow of a Dizzying Dream
World where Fourteenth Chances
Allowed her Now Long Hair
to Flow from her Face and
Spill down over her White Wedding Dress,
While Her Blue Eyes beamed,
Again, And Her Smile
Freed Itself to Stand Next
to Him

In a Morning Daydream.


He picked up his Fender, ignoring his blistered fingers, and strummed another Sad Song while singing to the flickering stars outside his window.  His mouth brushed against the scratchy metal grill of the microphone - which only reminded Him, again, of the softness of Her lips - as he wailed winding words into the World.

At that moment, He realized that there were No Others who could haunt his Soul like Her Ghost had- and that living with a Ghost may be better than living with any of Them.

He was comfortable Being Haunted.

So, He sang on, alone, hoping that her Ghost still hovered, somewhere behind him, hidden - hearing every Ode that he sang in these Midnight concerts - and that the neighbors would never hear those ethereal Echos of Once Upon a Time that drifted across the water in the early, dark morning hours - and whisper warnings of the House Across the Lake That Was So Very Haunted.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Wonders in His Heart

At some point, after much Wondering, He knew he would just simply have to accept that there were Some Things that He would never Understand, like: how Song flows through the Soulful Fingertips of Some and not Others, Why Seeing a Newly Posted Picture of Her Could Still Leave Him Breathless, How and Why the Universe was created in the Here and Now, Why it took so long for someone to create Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups, Why the Root of All Evil is hidden in the Social Networks of Middle School Girls, and Why their Past Made it so hard to have a Chance for a Future.

Still, the Greatest Mystery to Him was: Why it took him so very long to learn to Love Himself and, thus, finally, accept Love from Her.  To this day, He couldn't Understand why it took too many years to realize that Love was Something that each of His Intentions, Thoughts, Words, and Actions needed to reflect.  Love was not Something that he could hold in his Heart - it was Something that He needed to Give and Create with each Choice that She trusted Him to make.  Why She had to stop Loving Him so He could start Loving Himself was Something that he'd never be able to explain to Anyone, including Himself. 

Still, In the End, All He knew, now, was that he loved watching the birth of blessed music on his stringed instruments, loved seeing Her familiar glow as she smiled - even if it was for Someone New, loved that the Universe allowed him to be part of the Here and Now in This Life, loved the guilty pleasure of sneaking in an occasional Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, loved that there were Forces of Goodness to oppose the viciousness of Middle School Girls, and loved that he had made the Changes He needed to make to honor himself - and Her - even if was too late.

Because, in the End, no matter how hard He or Others tried to explain These Things, some Holes in His Heart were just too deep to be filled with Understanding.  So, he marked these Places with bright neon signs; made an online GoogleMap that showed where these Places were, now; found New Ways to fill those Wondrous Holes in His Heart with Love; and decided that Admission would always be free for those who wanted to tour these Wonders in His Heart.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day

He told them, "I will Love you Forever. And when I say 'Forever', that means Every Day that I'm on this Earth and Every Lifetime After and Every Moment That Came Before. I will never leave you when Times get Hard - in fact, it is Then that I will fight the hardest for you. Although you may not feel my presence, I am with you, always, in my heart and mind. Even when you think that I don't Love you, I am still loving you, waiting for you to Understand and hoping to find a way to clear The Path to Your Heart, again. I will never give up Hope for those that God has placed before me to Love. So, once you have found your way into my Heart, I will always hold that place for you. That is simply How I Love. Forever."

And they hugged him and they buried their faces in His chest and said, "We love you, too, Daddy - So So So So So So Much - more than all the Stars in the Universe, more than all the Air in the Sky, and more than all the drops of water in the Oceans."

In that moment, He remembered what he would sometimes forget: Even though Others would ebb and flow out of His Life in This World, these two would always return to That Place in His Heart that He held for them. They Loved him- as they had many times before and would many times again- Forever.

Saturday, June 09, 2012

This Fearless Love

Were we Fearless,
We would Will wild,
Wondrous Love while watching
This Wicked World weep.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

The Alter

We all watched him carry his Sorrow to The Alter.
He dropped to his knees before Our Creator
And bowed his head
And he began to weep.

We watched appreciative Tears of Joy stream down one of his cheeks.
We watched anguished Tears of Regret flow down the other.
And after a prolonged, deep and distant gaze at the ground before Our Creator
We watched as his face fell slowly into the palms of his hands
And We heard his Voice for the first time.
"How Great I Loved," he sobbed.

We watched as Our Creator leaned slowly towards him
And whispered into the young man's Heart.
And We witnessed
Our Creator's Peace surround Him, purifying Him.

Then, louder and clearer and most assuredly,
He raised his gaze to Our Creator,
And He spoke one last time,
With a new Understanding, Strength and Conviction,
"How Great I Love," He announced.

And He wiped the tears from his cheeks.
And He rose, standing tall and proud.
And We all watched Him leave His Pain at the alter.

And when we could no longer hear His Footsteps
We swept up the thorny branches He had left behind
We placed a pile of tinder there in the center of the hearth
We laid those switches out evenly over the flames we fanned

And We watched the Sacred Fire burn and grow
And Prayed while
We all warmed ourselves in its Blessed Glow.


He told me that I was one of the most Courageous men he had ever known.

I looked him in the eyes and tried to hide the Fear that he might somehow see how very Afraid I am, most times.

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because I have never known a man who would put Himself out there, over and over again, for Someone - knowing not only that it will End, but that it would End Painfully."

I looked to the ground, fought off a little Sadness, and thought about what He had said.

Suddenly, a small smile slipped out of the corner of my mouth and I said, "Oh, there was no Courage in That. It was the least I could do, for Her.  There were many Times when she put Herself out there, to me, over and over again."

With an astonished look on his face, his eyes grew bigger, and he said, much louder, "Dude. You traveled across the country for a simple Hope that you might save Something that was Lost. You took planes, trains, and rental cars thousands of miles - knowing your Heart would simply get crushed, yet again - just so that you could look into her eyes when She told you that She had lost the Will to go on with you and still couldn't find any Words for you.  She wouldn't have done the same for you.  She didn't even Welcome you. What you did - overcoming not just your Fears, but her Fears, too - that took some real Courage."

I was shocked. For a moment, I looked back to the ground, until I found my response, "I was simply returning Something to where I had found it - and to its rightful owner. And, that trip was for Me, also. I didn't want to carry any Regret that I hadn't tried everything in my power to try and save any Love that remained - or a possible Future with Her. We, once upon a time, deserved that.  I think that making that effort was simply out of Respect for the way that She once loved me.  But, mostly, it was for me - to sit with her and know... to feel... that what She once carried for me was gone - and it was. I traveled all that way and only found a ghost of Her. There was no Trust or Openness or Willingness or Warmth or Affection or Hope for me in her Eyes or her Smile anymore - and if there was, it was forced.  The only Thing left in her Heart for me was an Apology for having let me go.  But, she believes that the only way she can be Happy is to move on without me.  I can't say I agree.  That said, I can say I understood why she would draw that Conclusion. What I found, there, was a Simple Truth: The Woman that I have loved doesn't live There, anymore - she lives in My Memories.  So, I accepted her Apology and gave her the only thing I could give her - my Absence. Now, I don't think there was any Courage in Confirming that, Accepting that, or Giving that.  I guess we all define Forever a bit differently and we all fight for Love differently. I certainly was no Saint through all of this.  But, It is what it Is. I'm not sure that facing That Reality took any Courage."

He smiled with Kindness, looked at me, unconvinced, and added, "You still don't see how Strong you are, do you? That took some real Heart. That was pretty Brave."

Then, the Sadness returned stronger than before and held me as I began, again, "Did you ever see what Ground Zero looked like after the Twin Towers collapsed? Did you ever look down into those vast, pitted city blocks of Deep Emptiness and all the remnants of rubble that were surrounded by Still Towering Giants that remained standing?" I asked him.

"Yes," he said, "Our company has an office in New York City, I've seen Ground Zero dozens of times over the past few years."

Then, I continued, "Then, you will understand when I tell you that If I have, now, or ever have had any real Courage in any of This it is simply that I make it through every day, since, and continue on, trying to Rebuild, knowing I wasn't my Best. What would have taken real Courage would have been to fully embrace the Love she once had for me - before She let it go.  The only real Courage I know, now, is that I find the strength, dozens of times each day, to look down into my own Deep Emptiness and try to find New Ways to fill those Empty Spaces Where We Once Stood Together (taller and prouder than the Others), with Something or Anything from my own Heart, so that I might one day Be my Best."

I paused for a moment, thought a little more while I tried to organize the few, jumbled words that I could still find, and continued, "While facing Her that last time was one of the most Horribly Painful and Truly Sad moments in my life, it was most definitely one of the most Wonderfully Beautiful moments, also. To this day, the Thought of Her still takes my breath away - it just takes my breath away in a different Way and for different Reasons."

He still looked confused. Then, he shook his head and told me, "You both Loved each other the best you could - for as long as you could - given the Distance and Circumstances. It's just that you can't really Honor and Love someone while you're thousands of miles away for years at a time. It's Distance and Circumstance that doomed this - not your Heart.  It took a lot, from both of you, to make that work as long as you both made it work."

So, I finished my argument, with fewer Words, "My point is simply This: Putting myself out there to Her and Loving Her never ever took any Courage. That was just having Hope. Fighting to hold onto whatever Love there may have been left never took any Courage. That was just trying to give Hope. But, moving on without any Hope of having Her by my side - and learning to honor myself without Her showing me The Way- I think that's the only real Courage I know."

He smiled and simply said, "I think that, maybe, we will have to agree to disagree on this one. I would have never put myself out there in the first place. Then, knowing that She wanted it to End, I would have never kept trying.  And even then, if Things had to end, I would have never been able to give things the Kindness and Dignity that you gave by going all the way out there.  Perhaps, you should consider this possibility: Having Hope takes Courage.  Either way, I stand by what I first said, 'You are one of the most Courageous men I've ever known.'"

I smiled and silently agreed to simply disagree - which is always my first instinct in Matters of the Heart.

So, we ordered some Sushi and sipped on our Sake and talked about some Simpler Things in Life that required little or no Courage - like singing Karaoke, learning to play the Guitar, the Perils of Paddle Boarding, choosing a favorite flavor of Protein Shakes, and trying to make the World a Better Place.

But, all the while, I think we were both strongly considering the very real possibility that maybe, just maybe, we were both Right.