Regret

Sunday morning in the eMotion Cafe. Sat down, popped up a browser and started surfing the All About Unimportant Things. I checked in on my Kansas Jayhawks on Phog.net. BAM. Knocked out Colorado yesterday. One Loss all year and they learned from it. That's Perfection.

Making my way to Espn.com when I look up from my computer and see Regret standing there.

"Killing time again, I see" Regret says, smiling. "You know where this got you last time, right? So many people and so much time, but you're always in front of that computer. Do you see what Today is?"

"Yes" I replied. I know where he's taking this...

"So, Today is Another Anniversary of your Grandpa's Birthday," Regret says.

"Yes, I know Regret. We've had this discussion before. You know that we agree on this subject"

Then Regret replies, "Yes, but you know the value of Remembering, right? I mean, you knew I would be here. Not a day goes by that you don't remember the importance of The End. I know how much that Lesson has changed your Life. So, I'm here again this year to ask you why you're not going to the Mass To Remember Him and, instead, you're here drinking coffee in front of your computer."

I smiled, as it's best to embrace Regret because he has many Lessons To Teach. Personally, I think too many people avoid Regret and they end up making The Mistakes over and over again. So, long ago, we made Friends.

"Regret, I understand and was looking forward to seeing you today. That cup of black coffee right there has your name on it. Just the way you like it."

Regret sat down, sipped his coffee, and then asked the inevitable, "So, what have we learned about this?"

"Ok, Regret, I've thought on this much. You see, unlike Before His Death, I live every day with the understanding that They or I won't be here tomorrow. I really value what each person brings me and understand the temporality of this Existence, here with coffee and computers and such material things. And, to be clear, I'm not at his Mass today because I have an issue with having to go to some Church mass dedicated to his memory because I celebrate his life every day. I truly look at each moment as possibly the Last Moment. This brings great passion to my life, but Passion has its consequences. But, as you know, I fully embrace those consequences as its the Path I choose."

Regret stared into his coffee and said, "Yes, many don't understand that I exist to Teach and not Punish. The two are often confused, but I appreciate your friendship and this cup of coffee. So, you're not going because you don't like the idea of remembering just once? You want to remember every day?"

"Yes, silly, I know," I said. "But, you see, I spent so much time Indulging when I could have been spending that time with the people I know and love at one point in my Life. But, that has changed. And I don't want to ever go back to that and it seems like the idea of today's Mass is that it insinuates that we only remember once a year. I'm very uncomfortable with that and I'm not sure how to move past that."

I continued, "I remember all the times I was invited to Grandpa's house on Sundays. But at the time, I was a teenager and in college and instead of driving over and spending time with him, I was hung over. I was waking up with some woman I don't remember now. I was watching the Chiefs on tv. I was doing what was easy and fun, not what was Right. But I didn't know that then. It took his Death, and not having that Chance anymore to know what I was missing, then. I miss him. I wish that, having gotten older, I had had the chance to learn more about his life and what his life meant and heard the stories of how he lived after fighting in the World Wars and coming home and working in an auto plant and raising a great big family of seven kids. I wonder what he would say if he had met my children, his grandchildren. Yes, I miss him and wish I had spent my time wisely instead of foolishly. But, Regret, I feel that way everyday. Not just today."

Regret swirled his coffee and got these Sad eyes and eased my pain, as he often does.."Look, it's ok. Everything happens for a reason, son. You did what you thought was Right at the time. Beleive me, as I've stepped into the Other World, he knows that. He understand that. He lived that way once before. He'll tell you those stories some day After. And if there is an After, which there is, then don't you think he knows this and Forgives this as just being the nature of our lives? We live, we make mistakes, we learn, and we go on doing what we think is Right. You're too hard on yourself, son. He would never be this hard on you, knowing how you feel. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he'd be proud. Knowing that you live your life with the understanding of his passing would bring him Honor."

We sat quietly for a few moments. We drank our coffee.

"Thank you" I offered. "As always, you bring me Understanding."

We rose and the old man gave me a hug right there in the middle of the eMotion cafe. He thanked me for the cup of java, and told me he'd see me soon, and he left as quietly as he had arrived.

I popped open my laptop, took a deep breath, and started typing: "Sunday morning in the eMotion cafe...."