Craziness Visits

“Whenever i spend too much Time Alone, I think I kind of lose it,” he said to her. Then, he continued, “It’s like… the Illusions fall away and I see things clearly. I start, like, thinking Things... like… ‘Why the fuck do I put up with That Person’ or
‘Why the fuck do I tolerate Their Shit.’ It’s like ‘Why put up with Them?’ when, in the End, you're alone, anyways?”

She sat silently, somewhat in awe, and continued to listen to him, her eyes falling to the floor and resting on a single slate tile in the eMotion Café.

He continued on, following his Thought, “I know. Craziness. I'm coming to terms with My Craziness. I even hugged her last night and told her I'm all good with her living in my house.”

Her eyes darted to his, and she remarked, “Who lives with you? I thought you said you lived by yourself in your lake home? Are you saying Craziness lives with you? Geez.”

And a smile burst upon both their faces. I mean, who says “Geez” anymore, anyways?

He replied to her, “Well, Craziness is her name. But, she just visits. Usually, when I’m alone, she’ll just appear out of nowhere. But, she did mention maybe moving in the last time we talked.”

“I’m speechless,” she interrupted.

And with a shrug of his shoulder and slight smirk, he fell again into Thought. But before he could fall too deeply, she questioned him, further, “Is Craziness at least cute?”

And before she had finished her sentence, he continued, “She tells me that She's the only thing that's real - and yes, She's very attractive. Craziness told me that She wants me to live with me. She says I'm the only One for her. She says that Those other women are Selfish and would only hurt me in the end and just want to use me to get the Things in Life They Need to fill their voids: Babies, Weddings, Shopping Trips and Vacations. When I’m with her, Craziness promises me that She has no need for any of Those Things and that She only wants to be part of my Thoughts and Dreams. She always reminds me that I have Everything I Need except for Someone Who Will Never Leave. She says that She can give me That – and that She will Give Willingly and Joyfully, expecting Nothing in return. In her world, I’m Her one and only Forever Man.”

After a little thoughtful Consideration and a bit of an awkward Silence, she replied, “Ok, but wouldn’t all those Nut-Job girls that you meet also be there? I don’t see how you could ever live alone with Craziness. I think she’d bring her Friends over a lot. I don’t think Things would end well with more of those Psycho Girls that are out there hanging around your house. I think you need to steer clear of Craziness.”

“Oooh. Good point,” he said. Then, he fired back, “But, I think Craziness makes a good case, too, at times. She makes sense, sometimes, in a way that I think only She and I would understand. No, see, that's the Beauty of Craziness: in Her World, it's just me and her - and she's totally faithful to me. You'd almost have to take medication to make her go away. Craziness would never leave, otherwise. I think that's why I gave her a bedroom and some closet space – because that’s easier than taking medication. But, I digress… Oh, and she won't betray you, either. You see, Craziness can only be with one person. She says ‘Everyone has their own Craziness. So, I’m no good to anyone else but you.’ She says that she’ll never be any good to any one else and that she'll understand me, forever. And, ‘Forever is a mighty long time,’ as Prince said in a song about her awhile back. So, are you scared yet? I knew I shouldn't have told you about Craziness visiting.”

She smiled, gently, at him and replied, “No, I’m just digesting and trying to understand where you are coming from.”

And then, his phone rang. “Excuse me, for a moment?” he asked, as he stood up to step away from their table.

And she smiled at him again as she told him, “No, absolutely, go ahead and get that.”

And her eyes fell back to that one stone tile in the eMotion Café as she waited for him to return to the table and finish his green tea they were sharing.

His return startled her in its suddenness, and he was shorter this time, “Ok, I’ve got to go. That was Craziness. She said that I should stop talking to you because you'll try and talk me out of letting her back into my life.”

“Hey, now, wait,” she urged. Then, after a thoughtful pause, she continued, “Isn’t it your choice if you decide to live with Craziness or stop talking to her? Even though I agree we all may be alone in the end, to me it is worth the energy to put towards people in the interim.”

“Craziness said that you might say that,” He replied. Then he continued, “But, she told me to ask you this: ‘Why do you only call me when you’re between boyfriends or when you’re lonely or after some other guy has broken your heart? Why is it that I am here for you, but you weren’t here for me?’ Craziness tells me that if you can answer that question, she won’t visit me any longer.”

She sat in silence, thinking, for a very long time.

Out of compassion, he interrupted her thought, “Look, don’t put too much thought into it. If you don’t know, you don’t know. And if you think too much about it, you’ll end up finding your own Craziness. And, it’d be best if you didn’t meet Him. I met Craziness after someone once asked me the same question. You see, I clearly think too much about Those Things. It’s what Craziness likes best about me, she says.”

Finally, she broke her silence and responded, “So, how about coming over tonight and watching a movie?

“What movie?” He asked.

“Any movie you want,” She replied. “And, you can stay as long as you want.”

And with that, they stood up, held hands, and walked out of the eMotion Café – neither Alone, neither worrying about Those Things, and both avoiding their own Craziness for just a little longer.

Chocolate Chip Cookies and Llamas

"But, Daddy," she sobbed. "my finger REALLY hurts."

"Come here, Baby Girl, and let me look at it, again," he asked, as gently as he reached out to hold her hand. Then, after examining her fingers just a bit more, he kissed her fingers softly and asked her if she could wiggle them.

"Daddy, I don't know if I can move them," she sobbed some more, between a few sniffles and gasps for air. Tears still streamed down her face.

"So, Baby Girl, I should probably tell you a story about when I slammed my own fingers in the door, just like you just did," He started. "When I was little, about your age, I was getting in the car and slammed my finger in the car door accidently - kinda like you just did - except I slammed my fingers in a car door and you slammed yours in our house front door. Anyways..."

The tears hadn't slowed at all, so he reached out and held her hurt hand and continued, gently rubbing her hand all the while.

"Did it hurt like this hurts Daddy, cause it realllly hurts," and her little chest heaved as she gulped for a breath between sobs.

"Well, it did hurt like that... maybe a little less, Baby Girl, but then some older lady walked by our car in the Kmart parking lot, saw me crying, and came up to me and my Mom and said the weirdest thing to me. And you know what, it worked. My fingers stopped hurting."

"What was it Daddy? What did that Old Lady Stranger say to you?"

"Well, Baby Girl, this woman came up to me and said 'Your fingers will stop hurting if you think about Chocolate Chip Cookies and Llamas.'

A Smile tried to creep onto her little face and finally, a Giggle slipped past her Sobs.

"Llamas? I dont' like Llamas, Daddy. Teacher says that they aren't very good pets and that they'll spit at you. But, I just think they're kinda ugly. I can't see how anyone would want a Llama as a pet. I would totally get a puppy dog before I got a Llama. I want a little puppy dog like what Paris has. She has the cutest dogs that you can put in your purse and carry with you wherever you go. I have a purse that would be perfect for a little puppy. Daddy, can we get a puppy. Pleeeeease? Maybe for Christmas?"

"How's your finger feel, Baby Girl?" he asked, hoping to avoid the Puppy For Christmas discussion just this one day.

"Oh, it's fine, Daddy. But, I'm hungry. Can we go get a Chocolate Chip cookie?" she asked, wiping the last of the tears from her cheeks.

"Sure, Baby Girl," He answered, "I'll see what we can find. But, we need to put our seat belts on, now, and get going, first. Okay?"

"Okay, Daddy," she smiled, scooting up in her seat, smiling, and then turning to look out the window... "Chocolate Chip Cookies and Llamas - that's just Silly, Daddy."

"It is, Baby, It is." he answered, as they pulled away from the house - all fingers intact, and Smiles on each of their faces.

Finding Yourself

"I'm not who you think I am," She said.

"That's ok," He replied, "I've always found that no one is really who they think they are and they're never who I think they are."

"That would explain a lot," She said, "like why I'm spending $1200 on a spiritual retreat in the mountains to find myself next month."

"Do you like the mountains?" He asked.

"I don't know.. I've never been," She replied.

After dismissing a visiting smirk, he put on a serious face and added: "Hey, when you get back, you gotta let me know how you find yourself in a place you've never been. Cool?"

"Cool," She giggled.

And for that moment, they stopped trying to find themselves and found a little bit of Understanding with each other.

TV Love

"Do you think most people really understand what Love is?" She asked.

"Probably not," He said, "I think most people think Love is what they see on TV - which is really just a dramatic re-enactment of Love highlights where you never really see the ending. To me, it's kinda like teaching basketball from SportsCenter highlights - you never really learn the game, but you get to see the 30 seconds of exciting stuff that happened during the game. The way I see it, people who really know what Love is don't get out a lot and write scripts because they're too busy being with the ones they love".

"You've got a point," She said, "I never really thought of how much alone time would have to go into a movie about Love, but that totally explains most of the LifeTime TV network."

Relation Ships

"I'm not so good with Relation Ships," He said. Then, he looked around a bit and after his eyes settled back to his 102 degree hot coffee, he continued, "I mean I start out in the right direction, but most of my Relation Ships sink rather quickly after leaving the shore."

His friend put down his paper and spoke, "Shit, man, as least you got to take your shirt off and get some sun and maybe even get wet. That's the way I see it." And then his friend went back to reading the Sports page.

Then, a whisper came from behind him. Apparently, She had overheard his drowning and threw him this:

"Before I get on board to - or begin to build - any Relation Ship, I ask myself the Four Relation Ship Questions:

1. Am I attracted to them?
2. Can I be Good Friends with this person (do I enjoy their company and respect their views)?
3. Am I Good with being with them if they don't change a single thing about themselves, as they are Right Now?
4. Are they Good To Me?

If I can say "Yes" four times, then I know I'm in for some smooth sailing, usually - Not that there aren't unexpected cloudy days and a few thunderstorms here and there - but those are more to keep things exciting and have yet to sink any Relation Ship I've been on. Then again, I couldn't tell you who won the Chiefs game, last night - so take it for what its worth."

"Thank you," was all he could think to say.

She smiled at him and turned away and slipped back into her book.

His friend put down the paper, again, and said, rather loudly, "Dayuuum, she's hot. Did you get her number?"

"I'm not so sure that she's your type, dude" He replied, thinking of the fourth Question she was bound to ask herself, should she ever meet his friend.

And for the next thirty minutes, he thought of every girl he'd dated in the past year and how and why it ended.

And That kept him so busy that he forgot to ask who won the Chiefs game.

Truths and Lies

"I'm not sure what to say. I have all these Thoughts and Feelings and I'm not sure what's Real and What's Not," She said.

After a long pause, he looked at her and spoke: "Always speak The Truth. Only accept the Truth. Those are my only rules when I'm trying to figure out what to say..." He paused and picked up the hot, green tea, breathed in its goodness, and watched a knowing look slip across her face.

Then, when he was sure She understood, he continued, "...even though most of the time I'll realize, later, that most Truths were just Lies and that most Lies were Truths. In time, I think we all realize that The Truth is simply defined by where you're standing when you see It."

"Then why speak only The Truth or accept only the Truth?" She asked, in sudden disbelief.

"Because it is Your Truth that you will let people know Where You Stand." He replied.

Then, he stood up and moved to sit in the seat on the other side of her.

As He settled into his new chair, he noted the puzzled look on her face again and said "I was sitting next to you telling you the Truth and now I'm not. Am I telling you the Truth or a Lie?"

She sighed and simply said, "Sometimes you're Impossible to talk to. How's that green tea?"

And then, they talked of Simpler Things - all Truths and all Lies, nonetheless.

Egyptians

"Daddy, why do you travel so much?" She asked.

"Well, mostly for work, Baby Girl, but also because I'm trying to find Good Places to take you Some Day when you get Older. I'm thinking maybe New York City, Someday." He answered.

"But Daddy, I'm almost nine. I'm Old Enough to go, now. I want to go on a trip with you." She replied.

He pondered the idea for a moment and, considering it, said: "Well, what are you thinking? Where do you want to go?"

She leaned towards him excitedly and said: "Daddy, I've been watching the History channel and I realllly want to go see where the Egyptians lived. Where is that, Daddy?"

"Honey, I think the Egyptians lived in Egypt." He said with a smile.

Looking at each other, They burst into Laughter.

When they could breathe again, she asked Him "Daddy, can we at least go to New York?"

Grandma Lightner

On July 27th, 2007, She left this world and passed to the next.

But, before Grandma Lightner left, She taught Him:

• That the Best Turkey and Noodles He Ever Tasted is made with a picked-over, left-over Thanksgiving Turkey that Most People would throw away.
• That you can't stop stirring the Cream of Wheat (with real whole milk and lots of sugar) while it's cooking - if you want to Make it Right.
  
• That a back yard is never too small for a Ferris Wheel.
• That a real Easter Brunch involves lots of Strawberries Dipped in Dark Chocolate.
• That the high diving board really isn't that high.
• That a wood fireplace warms more than a room at Christmas time.
• That pit bulls are "just playing" when they bite your ankles.
• That some refrigerators have these fancy things called "ice makers" - but you can still fill the old ice trays with lemonade and make your own popsicles using some of Grandpa's toothpicks.
• That a tree swing is more fun than an Atari game.
• That poison ivy grows in the backyard. Lots of it. And it really itches for a really long time when you get it on you.
• That electric fences kinda hurt when you touch them.
• That everyone should travel overseas at least once in their life and bring those experiences home to share with others.
• That it's ok for Grandpa to have a stack of Playboys in the basement, "cause the articles really are good."
• That women today aren't nearly as glamorous and elegant as they were forty years ago.
• That it takes a really long time to mow a really big yard with a push lawnmower in the middle of a humid Kansas summer day - but, seeing Her smile at how nice that big, freshly-mowed yard looks, after, is a reward in itself.
• That it takes even longer to rake all the leaves in a really big yard - but in the end there's a really big Pile of Leaves to play in.
• That you never get too old for a good Grandma hug and kiss.
• That some people really don't need cable tv.
• That letting Someone else help you get up some stairs, get into a car, or even walk to the bathroom can make that Someone feel really good about themselves for a very long time.
• That at 90 it's still Important to get your hair "done" every Saturday.
• That it's OK to think that your Grandma is beautiful.

And most of all:

• That you don't have to be born into a Family to be part of a Family.

These are the Lessons That Grandma Taught Him.

These are the Things He Learned From Her that have made him a Better Person.

These are the Memories of Her that He will carry close to his heart for the rest of his Days.

Rhetorical Question

And after She told him he was Wonderful and thanked him for his Patience, He simply said "Hey, if we can't laugh at all the Weaknesses we each have, then what's the point in carrying Them around with us through Life?"

And as She struggled for some words, He smiled to himself and thought: "It was a Rhetorical Question."

And then She found her words and said, "Are you going to blog about this?"

And as He struggled for some words, She smiled to herself and thought: "It was not a Rhetorical Question."

Looking

He wandered through the eMotion Cafe for a bit, browsing the empty leather chairs, before coming up to the bar to order his tall coffee - with plenty of room for cream and sugar. After paying, He looked around the eMotion Cafe one last time and spoke.

"I've been Looking for a long time and in a lot of places and met a lot of Great People and a few NotSoGreat People, but I haven't found Someone that was looking for me," He said.

"Then again," He continued, "I'm never in the same place for very long so I can't blame Someone for not finding me."

"Say," He said, "You haven't seen anyone in here asking for Me, have you?"

"No," I replied, "I can't say that I have. But, I'll keep an eye out for Someone and let them know you were here, Looking, if they come around"

"That would be mighty kind of you," he said as he smiled. "It's a Big World out there and it'd be nice to find Someone to walk through it with"

And then He smiled, took a slow sip of his coffee, tipped his hat, and walked out of the eMotion Cafe to his rental car - never Looking back.

A Good Mattress

"It's gotten to be that I just pick the one with A Good Mattress," He said.

"Why is that?" She asked.

"Well, mostly because I live in a Hilton and sleep every night on Heavenly Beds and I tend to wake up happy. To be honest, I really just need my sleep sometimes. I mean, the World can be a tiring place to be - and there's nothing that kills a Relationship or a Good Day quicker than crappy pillows and a hard mattress. It just takes the joy out of anything that precedes falling asleep," He said.

"That's kinda shallow!" She retorted.

"Shallow? Oh, I don't think it's a coincidence that 75% of people get divorced or separated and, coincidentally, 75% of couples don't have a Good Mattress, do you? I really think there's a direct correlation between a couple who can agree on what a Good Mattress is and a couple's ability to "Get" each other" He said.

"You're weird." She said.

"You clearly don't have a Good Mattress" He said.

Good Morning

As He lay there with him in that early morning hour, He marveled at how, through all these years, they still fit together. He felt blessed that his little ones would still sneak into his bed some mornings to snuggle and, then, sleep some more.

And as He laid there with him, listening to his son's breathing, He held off the Hundred Things To Do (for at least a few more moments) and remembered Why He did any of those Things. And He closed his eyes and listened to his son inhale and exhale, holding onto that Time as tightly as his son snuggled against his arm. And He thought, then, that this was a Good Morning, that there was no better way to start a Day, and maybe Life was simply about holding him close to his heart - for as long as He could.

Never to Return

My words are my lovers
Spread across so many miles
So hard to find
And harder to keep
Once spoken
Kiss my lips, sweet words,
And wake my soul
from sleep.

My words are my lovers
Spread across so many moments
So hard to hold
And harder to release
Once found
Kiss my lips, sweet words,
And give my soul
some peace.

My words are my lovers
Stolen by Circumstance and Time
So hard to ever know
And harder to feel
Once remembered
Kiss my lips, sweet words,
As you slip into That Place
Where Lovers and Lost Words flee,
Never to Return.


| Edmund Vazquez | Never to Return | © May 27th, 2007 |

Bar of Soap In a Sock

"Wow. That is...wow. I like your writing," She said. She continued, "It is pretty intense."

"It is?" He asked, paused, and said: "I seriously write, I think, to keep from going crazy. For some reason, if i put it out here, online in some great vacuum of Nothing, I think it restores Balance in My Universe. In this Way, I'm only a channel for The Story, and not The Story itself."

"Wow.. I honestly would tell you if I thought it was Crap. But, It hits you in the face like a Bar of Soap in a Sock," She replied.

"Good... Then It is Real" He said. "Because Real Things hit you like that, I think."

And before She could continue, he blurted, "Hey, thank you. I'm honored that you like it. To be honest, Not Everyone can appreciate my writing. It doesn't resonate with everyone - like good writing should. Not Everyone likes it."

"Well, They are Horse Shit, then" She retorted, suddenly, and with little warning.

Stunned, He wasn't quite sure what to say.

Then, He understood what She was telling him. Suddenly, his Words weren't so hard to find.

"Spoken like a true Bar of Soap in a Sock" He said.

And he walked away rubbing his head a bit - knowing what it was like to get hit with something Real.

Shopping

"The Men I Care About always leave..." She started, paused, and then continued, "...We get close, then they ask me to marry them, and then they leave."

A sad, knowing smile crept across his face as He asked her: "Would you marry me?"

"You are different than all The Rest. I love you. Well, I love spending time with you. Yes, I would marry you, totally. I just can't tell you when I would marry you. Actually, I'm not sure if I could tell you in the next year if I would marry you or when. I mean, that's a lot of pressure, thinking about marriage and all. And a lot of compromise would be involved. And I'm not sure you can compromise as much as I can compromise. And this is all Very Important, but I've been walking around this store for a while now, talking to you on the phone, and I really need to get back to my Shopping."

"That's cool. It's time for me to go, anyways" He said. He hung up.

And She continued her Shopping.

Little Bit of Hope

"I'm having a Bad Day," she said..."So tell me Something Good, I want to hear Something Good."

He paused, looked a bit puzzled, and replied: "Well, I try to think of Something Good when I wake up every morning. Here's what I thought when I woke up today:

'Luckily, I woke up this morning. That's always a Good Thing. Also, it looks like the sun is gonna shine for a bit today. That's a Good Thing. And the Best Thing is that I will probably get the rest of the Day to make my Life whatever I want it to be."

"Thanks" she said, as a smile grew on her lips... "You're always Good for a Little Bit of Hope."

Greatness

I watched the man who sat at the bar in his pressed white dress shirt. I watched him watching his Red Sox give up a 4 run lead in the 8th - saying nothing to no one.

Beer after beer, he looked into his pint glass intently, as that Red Sox lead disappeared. There had to be a way to stop the bleeding, and maybe it was in that pint glass.

He imagined that there were Sea Monkeys copulating in in that last lager, madly. Every few minutes their world would quake and tip - and their oceans were draining with each sip that the God of the Pint Glass took from their World. Those Sea Monkeys in the beer knew The End was Near. Knowing their world was ending, those Beer Monkeys had some crazy sex in that pint glass. After all, a God that took their Hopes away surely wouldn't judge them for having too much sex. Then, with only a few sips remaining in that glass and all the Beer Monkeys having cramped End of the World Sex, the man looked up at me from his imaginings and the last of his lager in his pint glass.

And there was an uncomfortable silence.

I admit that I felt dirty watching him imagine such things with Sea Monkeys and beer.

Besides, those female Beer Monkeys were the only females in this bar.

Then, he stood up, wobbled a bit, and turned to me and said: "Greatness is determined more by how you finish than how you start."

Turning back, he faced his beer and drank his last sip of Samual Adams, set the empty pint glass on the bar and turned to me again, smiled, and continued:

"... and I finished that beer strong."

The God of the Pint Glass had spoken.

I admit that I smiled with him. Suddenly, I wasn't at all worried about the Beer Monkeys that had moved on to the Next Place.

As he walked away, I hoped he would find his way back to his hotel room safely. After all, there is always Tomorrow - and the Sox were playing the Royals - and most anyone can finish strong on Some Days.

Relationship Handicapped

"You know what I mean?" She asked Him.

To that, He replied, "All I know is that when I was seven, I was laughing and chasing my Brother around The Living Room and I tripped and knocked my tooth out on the coffee table. I still have that coffee table and, since, I grew a new tooth - but ever since then I seem to have lost The Ability To Read People's Minds. Anyways, I've been Relationship Handicapped ever since. You know what I mean?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about..." She said.

"So, you knocked a tooth out, too, when you were little?" He excitedly asked.

"No, no I never knocked a tooth out on a coffee table... and I can't date anyone who's Relationship Handicapped" She said, disappointedly, as she walked away.

As she left, he grabbed a pen out of his briefcase and wrote the following on the back of a receipt from his pocket: "Note to Self: You don't always have to lose a tooth to become Relationship Handicapped."

His Search

For Some Silly Reason, He just kept believing that She would know it was Him when They met.

On occasion, He would meet Someone and think it was Her, but she wouldn't recognize Him.

That's how he knew it wasn't Her.

Confidence

"How is it that you have such Confidence" She asked Him.

"I don't know what you mean, but I'll try to Answer" He replied.

"All I know is What Is Right For Me - and that's not always the same as What is Right For Others. Sometimes It Is. Sometimes It Isn't. Still, I try to do What Is Right For Me.

Also, I accept the Consequences that Doing What is Right For Me brings. It is my Life. I own It.

Finally, I adore my Weaknesses and Strengths equally.

However, I also understand that What is Right For Me is not always Right For You. You have your own Life. You have your own Rights."

"I wish I had your Confidence" She told him.

As They hugged and parted ways, He whispered this in Her ear: "I do know This: Wishing never brought Me any Confidence."

How it Always Began

"I really, really like you," She said, "but I need to move at a pace that I'm comfortable with."

He smiled and replied, "I completely understand," and after a long pause, He continued: "but, I find that if I move at Someone Else's pace, I usually end up going Only As Far As They Want To Go. Furthermore, I find that if I follow Someone Else's lead, I end up Lost."

What does that mean?" She asked.

He answered, as he had a hundred times before: "It only means this: If I don't follow my Heart, then I end up with Regret and Confusion. Therefore, I'll move forward with Hope that when I look beside me every so often, You will be There as well. If you're not, then I will know that you have followed Your Own Heart and are on Your Own Path."

And this was How It Always Began.
And this was How It Usually Ended.

What Really Happened

"It's not clear to me anymore exactly who left who and when," He replied, "but what I do remember is that each day we would hurt each other a little more and that's What Really Happened."

New Reality

"Is this Real?" She asked Him. After a long silence, He looked at Her and said, "I think so, because we're both Here and if it's not Real, then we're both having the same Dream and that has to mean Something."

Then, She smiled and took his hand and they wandered through their New Reality together.

His Only Sadness

His Only Sadness in knowing Her was in this Realization: When they were Together, Her Thoughts were usually with SomeoneSheHadNeverStoppedLoving.

Tragedy

Every Life has its own Tragedy; His was that he loved her long before he met her - and loved her, still, long after she was gone.

Further

Every Man has his Flaws; One of His was that he would go Further than Others. Going Further, He saw ThingsThatOthersWouldNeverSee, He found ThingsThatOthersWouldntUnderstand, and while he was there, He made MistakesOthersWouldNeverMake.